Moving On

Recently, one morning after waking up, I found myself in a very interesting place. Not geographically. I hadn’t sleepwalked my way downtown or into a neighbor’s backyard or anything like that. I awoke with a dream in my head and an ache in my heart.

You see, I have had a MAJOR crush on a certain guy for years. In fact, calling it a “crush” really isn’t very accurate. I admire this man. I’ve never met a guy before or since who evokes the same feelings from me that he does. I respect him. He’s simply a tremendous person who has become a permanent benchmark which all other men will be measured against from here on out. Not because of how I feel for him, but for who he is as a person. But despite how amazing this man is, he has also become the subject of some personal heartache and turmoil as well.

Mr. Wonderful and myself haven’t lived in the same city for a couple of years. When I visit friends once or twice a year, I always get a chance to see him. It seems like he usually makes an effort to see me when I’m in town which of course thrills me every time. We hang out and he’s always interested in getting all the details of what’s going on in my life. There are even moments when I’m convinced he’s interested in me as well, like when he wouldn’t stop hugging me during a New Year’s Eve party. I didn’t even have on my “Free Hugs” t-shirt.

But after I leave town, I simply want more and I never get it. I try to keep the connection alive by email or Facebook, but it never works. He says to keep in touch and will go as far as to ask me how things are going. I’ve never known him to be insincere, so I always answer. But after I write back, I get nothing in return. I’m not exaggerating. Nothing. Back. Then I’ll visit again a few months or a year later and the whole maddening cycle starts again.

So after three or four times, I wised up. I started swearing him off after I’d leave town. I’d talk a big game, “I’m through with him. I’m done. I’m done with the whole thing. Never again.” But no matter how sincerely I promised myself, as well as others, that I wouldn’t fall into this familiar trap…I still did. I always do.

But recently, even with the “rumors” floating around that he in fact was interested in me (whether that’s a current or a historic fact is unknown) I’m still sick of the cycle. And maybe now more than ever, I’m in a better place to make my declaration and both mean it and keep it.

Because here’s the thing: I want to be pursued. When there’s a guy out there that’s interested in me, who thinks I’m worth getting to know because he sees me as someone valuable and unique—he’s going to pursue me no matter how far away we are from each other. I want a man who will pursue me the same if I was across town, across the country, or across the globe. And the plain and simple fact is that this particular gentleman must not see me this way, because he’s proven he’s not willing to pursue me. And why should I waste my time waiting for him to wise up? I shouldn’t, because it may never dawn on him.

Well, I guess by now, you’ve guessed that this amazing, yet obtuse man is the subject of my dream so let’s get into it. In this dream, he and I were walking into a Costco/Wal-Mart-like place and chatting up a storm. It really seemed like we were having a great day. I was telling him some story as we entered the place and all of a sudden I noticed he wasn’t beside me anymore. I stopped to see where he was and spotted him talking to a female cashier that he apparently knew, but I didn’t. I was SO pissed off! Yes, I was jealous that he was talking to another chick, but more than that, I was upset that he didn’t simply say, “Hey, hold on a second. Let me say hi to so-and-so.” That’s all I needed and I would’ve been ok, but he didn’t. So, I decided to go on without him with the intention of leaving without him as well. Told you I was pissed.

Anyway, I found what I was looking for after a GREAT deal of effort (nothing's easy in a dream). I felt like I was up against a deadline. I needed to hurry up, get my stuff, and get to the car so I could leave him there. (By the way, as an aside, I'm really not this vindictive. Don't forget this is a dream.) After more trouble checking out, I was on my way to the car when I ran into people from high school that needed my help finding something or someone…this is where the dream gets fuzzy and strange. Needless to say, whatever the crisis was, it hindered my getaway and Mr. Wonderful found me before I could leave. I don’t even think it dawned on him I was trying to leave without him. I was a bit disappointed that he caught up with me, but as we left, I was more upset with the people who got in my way than with him.

Now, I’m no dream expert. I don’t pretend I can interpret dreams even a little, but I do see the parallels between real life and the dream. To put it simply: Without knowing he does it, he drives me crazy and all I want to do is get away or make it stop or something. The conclusion is that the cycle needs to end.

So, as I awoke from this dream, I was humiliated and hurt, but more than anything I was ready to move on. I mean, I’ve wanted to move on for some time, but my insane ability to hope beyond all hope has held me prisoner to this "crush." Now, I think I’m more ready than I’ve ever been to kick this. It also helps that I haven’t seen him for a few months and probably won’t see him for a few more. And as we’ve learned earlier, he certainly won’t be in touch anytime soon. So, I have time to solidify my resolution before his charming, delightful nature tests it.

So, here’s to hoping this dream is the starting-off point of ridding myself of unnecessary emotional baggage, of freeing up some space in my heart for the right Mr. Wonderful, and to dreams that are more pleasant and more frequent.

*The picture above is by an artist named Tyrza. You can find this beautiful piece of art as well as others by this artist on Redbubble by clicking HERE.